"The Essential Skills for Being Human" by David Brooks is a thoughtful essay adapted from his new book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. Brooks discusses how to connect — crucial skills for helping self, others, and World:
... Being openhearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. The real process of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete actions well: being curious about other people; disagreeing without poisoning relationships; revealing vulnerability at an appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.
Brooks defines diminishers and illuminators:
... In any collection of humans, there are diminishers and there are illuminators. Diminishers are so into themselves, they make others feel insignificant. They stereotype and label. If they learn one thing about you, they proceed to make a series of assumptions about who you must be.
Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know how to ask the right questions at the right times — so that they can see things, at least a bit, from another’s point of view. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, respected, lit up.
Brooks lists the "skills illuminators possess":
- The gift of attention — "a gaze that communicates respect"
- Accompaniment — "an other-centered way of being with people during the normal routines of life" — "the art of presence, just being there"
- The art of conversation
- Be a loud listener — provide "encouraging affirmations"
- Storify whenever possible — help others talk "about the people and experiences that shaped their values"
- Do the looping — paraphrase back, to correct misimpressions
- Turn your partner into a narrator — "ask specific follow-up questions" to elicit richer stories
- Don’t be a topper — avoid responding with your own experiences and shifting attention back to yourself
- Ask "Big questions" — "ones that lift people out of their daily vantage points and help them see themselves from above", such as:
- What crossroads are you at?
- If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is the chapter about?
- Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?
- What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
- If you died today, what would you regret not doing?
- What have you said yes to that you no longer really believe in?
- What is the gift you currently hold in exile? — meaning, what talent are you not using?
- Why you? — meaning, what is your motivation for what you did?
- Stand in their standpoint — "ask other people three separate times and in three different ways about what they have just said" — "show persistent curiosity" about other people's viewpoints
Brooks describes those who are most helpful:
The really good confidants — the people we go to when we are troubled — are more like coaches than philosopher kings. They take in your story, accept it, but prod you to clarify what it is you really want, or to name the baggage you left out of your clean tale. They’re not here to fix you; they are here simply to help you edit your story so that it’s more honest and accurate. They’re here to call you by name, as beloved. They see who you are becoming before you do and provide you with a reputation you can then go live into.
Echoes of Cardinal Newman's "Definition of a Gentleman", eh?!
(NYT-gift-link - cf Cardinal Newman (2001-10-04), Discussion and Dialogue (2006-01-07), AntiArrogance (2007-12-24), True Gentleman (2008-07-10), Eagles Are All about Efficiency (2020-05-12), ...) - ^z - 2023-10-21